Pets Are a Pleasure

This novel is the fourth in the Pets in a Pickle series and describes the antics of young vet, Paul Mitchell, now in his second year at Prospect House, the veterinary hospital, as he continues to tackle an endless variety of pets and clients. There's an escaped griffon vulture, which terrorised staff in the garden. A bouquet of roses for Beryl, the receptionist, in which lurks a venomous frog. Dealings with Dave, the chameleon. And on the way to treat one of the Stockwells' cows, Paul is confronted by Boris, their amorous bull, who has escaped and now blocks the lane. Meanwhile in the practice cottage, Willow Wren, he and his fiancé, the junior nurse, Lucy, raise an orphaned fox cub, curb the roamings of a randy cockerel and cope with marauding badgers and the sighting of a possible lion. Fans of the earlier books will relish this opportunity to delve into more zany encounters deftly written with the self-depreciating humour that characterises Malcolm's style.

Pets Aplenty

Join novice vet, Paul Mitchell, in a further six months of hilarious escapades he experiences while working at Prospect House Veterinary Hospital. He's confronted by a ravenous pig while sunbathing naked in a cornfield. He locks jaws with a caiman with scale rot and battles with Doug, a vicious miniature donkey that's always sinking his teeth into him. It ends with a Christmas pet blessing which erupts into pandemonium as frightened pets and owners scatter through the pews. Throughout his adventures, Paul is loyally supported by the team at the hospital - in particular Beryl, the elderly one-eyed receptionist, and, Lucy the junior nurse - together with whom he shares this merry-go-round of mayhem. It's a gripping, fast page-turner that's guaranteed to keep animal lovers entranced.

Praise for Malcolm Welshman

‘... paints a vivid picture of many fascinating characters.'
Jim Wight, son of James Herriot

‘... brings a smile to your face.'
Sir Terry Wogan

‘Your story is a corker.'
Richard Madeley

‘... hilarious stories straight from a vet's pen will keep you chuckling.'
Stella Whitelaw

Now Who's Talking? 2

Are you ready for round two of Now Who’s Talking? Des Lynam returns with more animal antics in this second collection of conversations, once again illustrated by Bryony Hill. This time, they’re heading to the farm and the zoo to eavesdrop on an even wider variety of animals, ranging from ferrets and turkeys to flamingos and crocodiles.
Just as in the previous volume, Des gives voice to the animals in a way that mirrors their behaviour in the real world, while at the same time offering some intriguing insights into their interactions with us humans. As ever, Des’s words are perfectly complemented by Bryony’s imaginative yet realistic drawings.

‘Full of charm, novelty, and wit – just like the man himself.’ Susie Dent
‘I loved Des’s voice. It was always one of my favourites to imitate (“Wine ’em… dine ’em… Lynam”). Now the old master’s found a whole range of voices and applied them to the birds and animals in his garden and beyond. Whimsical, witty, imaginative –  and great fun.’ Rory Bremner

Now Who's Talking? 1

Discover the animal kingdom as you’ve never seen it before! In this charming and witty book, with words by Des Lynam and illustrations by Bryony Hill, creatures ranging from squirrels and butterflies to baby hedgehogs and tiger cubs finally get a chance to speak for themselves, revealing their quirks and habits in a way that’s sure to delight readers of all ages.
Whether you’re a die-hard animal lover or just looking for a good laugh, Des and Bryony’s unique perspective is guaranteed to leave you with a smile on your face – and every so often, perhaps, tell you something you didn’t know about our winged and furry friends.
‘Quirky in the best possible way. Putting words into animal’s mouths is no easy thing, but that is exactly what Des has managed to do. It talks to us of being human – and also of being animal – but expressed in a way that we can relate to. And the illustrations take the words to another level: a perfect match!’
Jonathan and Angela Scott
(aka The Big Cat People), award-winning photographers and conservationists

Memoirs of a '90s Schoolboy

An entertaining and irreverent read, Memoirs of a 90s' School Boy is a book that'll bring you back in time to childhood and the ups and downs of primary school days. The ridiculous situations, elaborate observations, and honest brain farts of a child who thinks he's got it sussed; will make you laugh out loud. Described by BAFTA award winning comedian, Daisy Cooper (the force behind BBC3's 'This Country') as 'the funniest thing she has ever read'. This book needs no further introduction, just get on and read it and see for yourself.

Life Stories: the Odd Bits

People say, “When life deals you lemons, make lemonade” as if they knew the recipe and of course could lay hands on the other ingredients. The people between the covers of this book tried to follow the initial advice, and this is the result: not exactly lemonade, not exactly soup, not exactly toxic but more or less what you might expect if you tried making lemonade from substitute ingredients such as cabbage stalks, bacon rind, honey, brewer’s yeast and fermented socks.

PLEASE NOTE: this is not an approved recipe. You can try it in the safety of your own home, but the author takes no responsibility for the results, he can make an educated guess...

King George

Devotees of E.F. Benson’s books on the people of Tilling will not be disappointed in this sequel. From cricket matches, Christmas lunches and Roman villas, the lives of the residents of Tilling are laid bare once again with all their small-village craziness. Not only Tilling, but also the residents of Risenholme, and friends from London, all come to Tilling to play a part in pre-war village Britain. Once again, Elizabeth Mapp tries to prove to the world that she is right and Tilling is wrong in their love for Lucia. All the past characters are here including Mr and Mrs Wyse, Quaint Irene, Diva, the Padre as well as Janet and Foljambe and there is a new character to invade the peaceful and tranquil lives of the residents whose identity confounds and confuses them.

Justin At Large

When Millicent Pemberton’s acting career comes to a disastrous end, she seduces a wealthy Scottish Duke and moves into his impressive castle. Pregnant with Justin she raids the Duke’s safe and disappears with a fortune in banknotes.

22 years later, a fiercely dominating mother, Millicent and her American lover move to the USA selling her family home, leaving him to be introduced into an alien world.

A Pandora’s box of events challenges his sanity. He’d been arrested and jailed briefly for a trumped-up charge of rape. Mentally, physically and sexually abused by a collection of crazy women (including a randy teacher and her class of equally randy 16-year-old schoolgirls).

Locating his mother in the USA, Justin accompanying her to a bank is taken hostage by three armed gorillas during a raid. He is whisked away into the wilds to be harassed by a gang of women thieves. The Duke, recognising Millicent from a TV newsflash and realising Justin must be his son, races to rescue him with a bunch of mercenaries.

Justin’s story has so many unpredictable events you are forced to turn over the page to learn what happens to our guy next.

From Sitzkrieg to Blitzkrieg

I’d seen chaps killed before, of course: Tuppy Horton was the first; accidentally garroted by his own braces, whilst playing ‘Cowboys and Indians’ back in 1922. There had been raw terror in poor old Tuppy’s bulging, bloodshot eyes as he dangled by his neck from that apple tree, while the rest of us just stood and gawped. Then there was Stiffy Plantagenet; who was knocked down on the tennis court at his home, by a motor car driven (in reverse) by his inebriated Aunt Agatha – I seem to remember that Plantagenet was absent from school for quite some time before it was announced by the Headmaster that old Stiffy had finally shuffled-off his bucket, kicked his clogs, and popped his mortal coil.

I have just remembered another one, too: Benjamin Alistair Drayton, who drowned in Tatlock Pond (whilst I warmed my palms on his sister Millicent’s bare breasts in a nearby thicket). I didn’t actually see him drown, of course (having, as I did, my hands rather full at the time), but I watched Mr Mulgrew and Constable Pinchworthy fish Drayton’s lifeless, floppy corpse from the stagnant water afterwards.

This was the first time that I’d seen a chap killed so horribly though; a shell had exploded nearby and shrapnel had completely smashed Simpson’s face in; his belly was torn wide-open, and his wet, shiny innards spilled out onto the brown earth. (Needless to say, he did not live for long.) I paused for a moment, drew a deep breath, and then vomited so hard that my backside trumpeted loudly. (“Pffrrrt!”)

Enter Others

Enter Others is a sequel to Enter Spice. The endearing characters of the novel are Toby (an Irish Wolfhound), Roxy (a Boxer), Princess (a Labrador), and Curly (a Poodle).

Their ‘coming out’, or revealing their talents, is through a television interview with an annoying interviewer who doesn’t like dogs, but the four dogs ‘get the better of him’.

They receive great praise from preventing the robbery attempts of two criminals, from rescuing trapped miners in a collapsed shaft in a coal mine, and from proving themselves to be extraordinary at a number of sports.

When Princess is injured by bullies, Toby and Roxy seek revenge, but at the last moment they decide that doing so would make them no better than the bullies themselves.

They begin to help people who are not as fortunate as others (the old, the disabled and prisoners), and learn an important lesson from Private, a homeless man who is not what he appears to be.

They are approached to be superheroes in an action movie, but the venture has a comical result, and teaches the dogs another lesson.

The conclusion to the ‘dog trilogy’ is a heart-warming ending to the growing status of dogs.

Driving Mister Crazy

While waiting for her Australian visa to arrive, Jane leaves Zimbabwe to spend a year in England caring for the eccentric Mr Hazey.

‘You have to wear a seatbelt, Mr Hazey, it’s the law.’

‘Well, I don’t.’

Jane is tempted to return to Africa immediately, but stubborn pride makes her linger, long enough to meet Dr Bower. An awkward attraction develops, and several colourful characters embark on the bumpy rollercoaster ride – an outdated stately home – haunted secret garden – hidden past and impossible love affair.

Coffee Time

The essence of a good writer is to find that ‘writer’s moment’ – that little piece of observable idiosyncratic behaviour where humour lives. How Susanna loves to discover those eccentricities in people’s characters that she can frame on her artist’s canvas.

Humour is found in the ordinary, the everyday, the awkward and the sublimely ridiculous events that grace our faces. When faced with the Covid-19 pandemic during 2020 Susanna’s pen had hardly time to rest between scenarios, furiously recording stories, such as the stupidity of the Tissue Issue – ‘Spare a Square,’ or about the sneaky company tricks in ‘Plays and Ploys’.

Other stories share precious family time with her little granddaughter, whilst many raise issues prevalent in all our lives. Instead of becoming exasperated by incompetence, or the folly of people’s foolishness, Susanna’s pen quickly slips into writing mode to create each immensely amusing saga.

‘That Perfect Little Writing Day’

Knock, knock.

“Who’s there?”

“Me,” a newly turned three-year-old gives her nanny a kiss.

“Where did you come from?”

“From the door.”

“How d’you get here?”

“I walked. Silly Nanny – I don’t drive!”

The stories and poems are written for entertainment. Coffee Time invites you into the coffee shop to sip one or more of the delicious brews on offer. Please stay a while and chat and share these little treasures with your family and friends.